Vitatops (Vitalicious)

Brand: Vitalicious

Calories: 100

Calories per gram: 1.8

Price: $44.00 (plus shipping) for 36 ($1.22 each)

 Where I found it: Vitalicious website

Where you can find it: Most flavors are online from the aforementioned website, but you can find them at Safeway and Target in the freezer aisle.

That is not my picture, by the way, because a brown delivery box probably would not describe much.  And get ready, this review is going to be long.  It stems from my frustration that no one could write an adequate review for these, apparently, ineffable VitaTops.

But anyway, my goodness, that is one tacky name--"Vitalicious."  I suppose it is better than a moniker with "health" or "scrumptious" wedged in it, but... well, nah, I take that back.  "Vitalicious" sounds just as lame as "Fergalicious" or "bootylicious" does.  

VitaTops is equally awkwardly-titled.  Imagine, you are eating one of these on a bus or other automobile, and someone asks you, "What's that you're eating?", and you muster up your courage to utter, "Oh, these are VitaTops, you can get them at double-u, double-u, double-u vitalicious dot com!"

There is quite a bit of hype and appraisal for these diet snacks around food blogs (Hungry Girl especially), and I wanted to award myself by indulging my taste buds in the Vitalicious experience.  Yes, I am being sarcastic there, because I have read several reviews stating this kid-hand-sized block of molecules is miraculous.  Being fairly educated on nutrition, I know that you can easily make something better-tasting and just as nutritious with the same number of calories.

I ordered four flavors, but I will update with the other two flavors after this one.  Each of these has at least 5 grams of fiber and, erm... I do not want to rip open four VitaTops and have it sit in my fridge, nor do I want to hang out with my toilet every three hours.

This flavor is Pumpkin Spice, and I must say--as I unsheathed the "muffin top" out of the plastic wrap, there is a pretty substantial aroma of pumpkin and cinnamon.  And upon whiffing it, I exclaimed, "Hallelujah!"  Not so that it smells amazing or blissful, but so that I love pumpkin pie (and that is why I sampled this flavor first).

I attempted toasting it, but the texture of this VitaTop is weird.  It was a mixture between pumpkin pie filling (mushy and soft) and a chewy cookie (capable of actually being held), and toasting it simply felt awkward.  Regardless, I wanted a nice, warm treat, and parked it in the microwave for 20 seconds.

When I took it out, the smell completely changed for the worse.  Instead of a heart-lifting, warm scent of cinnamon and sugar, an odd, medicine-y, plastic odor took its place.  I couldn't tell if that it came from the pumpkin seeds (which taste like... nothing, by the way) or the VitaTop itself, but it didn't smell natural!

But the final ultimatum for this baked good was to end up in my belly (I think I've been watching Freezer Burns a bit too much).   Ignoring the strange smell, I bit into it.

... I was less than impressed.  Perhaps if it were properly toasted, the VitaTop would actually taste like a muffin top.  No, the texture is akin to sinking your teeth into a two week-old cake--that is, slightly spongy, hardly crumb-y.  Of course, unlike a cake, Vitatops have no butter and therefore have a far lighter consistency.  But it's not light as air, a trait of angel food cake.  All of its texture and give is due to the immense amount of carbs (the actual "meat" of the Vitatops).  

It did not feel like a muffin top, that is certain.  But if it tasted delicious, then that matter is of little importance!  Now, the taste: as mentioned before, Vitatops have no butter.  You would expect it to be very dry, but it appears the moistness derives from the lecithin (which also acts as a preservative).  Pumpkin Spice is particularly dry, however, since it has no help from cocoa butter used in the chocolate flavors.  

Have you ever made cookies with no flour or baking soda, and just eggs?  I have (just a mixture of peanut butter and eggs).  Granted, the flavors are there and they taste good, but it isn't starchy enough to taste like a cookie.  VitaTops are the same thing, except it's just barely starchy enough to pass off as a cookie-like-muffin-y-weird-baked-thing.

One thing I enjoy very much about VitaTops, despite my complaints on texture, is how low-key sugar is used.  Having an Asian palette, I like all my baked goods and confectioneries to carry only a hint of sugar.  VitaTops fulfill this perfectly!  Pumpkin spice had just pinch a sugar to help support the slight pumpkin spice flavor.  

In the end, however, it was not amazing and had it been a non-diet, non-nutritious food, a great waste of calories.  A good start to my breakfast, I suppose.

Now, onto Black Chocolate Pomegranate:

Without a doubt, Black Chocolate Pomegranate tastes superior to Pumpkin Spice.  

And face it folks, the taste of butter will always reign--the cocoa butter added natural moistness that Pumpkin Spice lacked, which I enjoyed very much.  

The texture felt richer and heavier than Pumpkin Spice because of the chocolate (which melted and dribbled recklessly onto my shirt!).  To compensate, the carbs took a hit--you're really getting less bread.  Which is a good thing, since in my opinion, carbs are only useful if you are going to exercise rigorously short after consuming them.  As a result, Black Chocolate Pomegranate is also more filling (as carbs don't fill you up, fat does).  Hey!  A diet guide, as well as a review!  Two in one, baby.

The pomegranate hardly made an impression on me, and only appeared as a banal sour-berryish flavor, perhaps to prevent its upstaging the chocolate.  Just by looking at the Vitalicious website, they are damn proud of providing rich chocolate to you.

Oh yes, speaking of chocolate: these VitaTops are not dark chocolate.  They are, however, a more "mature"-tasting milk chocolate, but please, any comparison to a Lindt or Teuscher's dark chocolate bar would be an insult.  But I will not mislead you that the chocolate is crap: it merely is not as rich and fudge-like, nor (quality) brownie-like, as people make it out to be.

I wish I had grabbed more of the chocolate flavors, because they seem to be better overall.

I want to say before I wrap up this review, though, that VitaTops are not magic.  I can explain just how they arrived at 100 calories easily.

These cookies were bonded by egg protein, which contributed to both the protein count (obviously) and held the bonds together (or else it would just be a crumbly mess).  The moistness is, again, attributed to the soy lecithin and in chocolate-y cookies, cocoa butter.  They avoided using flour/baking soda/a lot of sugar because that would ride up the carb count (and therefore the calorie count).

The reason why VitaTops seem filling is because of the high fiber (you can just add in water-soluble fiber found on supermaket shelves) and high protein.  The chocolate flavors are even more filling because of additional fats.

Hey, don't get me wrong--I like Vitatops, I just dislike how overhyped these were.

Mozart Chocolade Classic Milk (Reber)

Brand: Reber

Calories: 570 a bar

Calories per gram: 5.7 (eek)
Price: $5.99
Where I found it: University of... alright, I think you can guess where by now

Where you can find it: They seem to be everywhere on the internet, but Amazon's pretty reliable

*low whistle* This is a gorgeous, gorgeous box, folks.  Others may find it granny-ish and therefore repel them, but I'm a band geek and this classic, ornate design appealed to me.  Not only that, it somehow had ties to a long-deceased Austrian composer, whose a handful of horn concertos out of his hundreds of works I truly appreciate! (I'm not a big Mozart fan--Mahler, baby.  MAHLER.)

It makes me wonder if there was ever a Mahler bar to be created, its taste would be some sort of classy insanity.  Shards of spice stabbing you from all directions, with a gentle, sweet rush of milk, and triumphant rays of honey and candied ginger, and yet the entire experience would have a shroud of dark, mysterious bitterness.  That would taste awful but, at the same time, AWESOME.

Ahem, to this bar!  I opened it up and, woow.  This is some classy shiz.

I like how in the corner of the box, it makes sure to point out: "freshly sealed in gold foil".  But, really--it feels cheap.  Yes, it's gold foil, but also, why on Earth did they have to include that?  Now at this point I hoped it wasn't some downgraded tourist consumer fare, but only taste can come down to that.

I opened the foil, and it was pleasant that it didn't have to be ripped.  The seal opened up easily and it revealed the pieces of chocolate.

 

Splendid!  I can eat chocolate and marzipan and Mozart's head!   While I was impressed with the detailed engraving, I was not so with the speckles on the chocolate.  I'm not an expert, but it leads me to believe the chocolate isn't smooth, and in a way, shouted, "I'm factory made!  Look at me!"

The smell of this bar is incredibly, incredibly... sweet.  It also smelled like creamy ice cream!  But this sweetness had a character that I couldn't explain--it was a sort of artificial strawberry with a nutty hint, and at the same time, buttery.  Then I realized if I took in the smell a bit longer, it was pistachio, and that amazed me!  I've eaten pistachios and I know what they smelled like, but wow--this was some really strong pistachio.  I can't tell if the smell was very strong pistachio or just artificial pistachio, but looking at the ingredients:

Sugar, cocoa butter, whole milk power, hazelnuts, almonds, cocoa mass, contains 2% or less of: cream powder, water, butterfat, sorbitol, invert sugar syrup, pistachio kernels, invertase, soya lecithin, flavouring (wtf?), rum, alcohol.

It was the real deal.  Perhaps the extremely strong sweetness scent came from sorbitol and sugar syrup and rum.  It seems German chocolates enjoy their sugar.

With the smell, I was anticipating favorably of the taste!  I took a bite of a piece.

Unlike the picture, there was no gooey, oozing hazelnut praline, and the pistachio marzipan wasn't neon green (which is a good thing).  Similar to the other German chocolates I reviewed on MMM, CARBS, though, SUGAR!  SUGAR!  It's nearly as much or perhaps more sugary than the Casali Schoko-Orangen, but somehow I didn't mind so much, since there was quite a few dimensions to a piece of this bar.

The pistachio is certainly, absolutely, overpowering.  And again, I can't even tell if it was the taste of extremely strong pistachio, or the molasses of the rum, or what, but it was prominent in every single bite of this bar.  I've never drunk rum (I'm under 21), so perhaps I'll never know.  But as I said before, it tasted like an extremely sweet fruity flavor--yes, that was what I was thinking of the entire time, fruity fruity fruity, and smelled as such--and then the milk chocolate fought to stay on.

I feel the milk chocolate is a sad underdog of this bar, because it was damn tasty.  It was smooth, had a soft bite, and had a fatty, rich, milky body, but unfortunately, lost in the battles of the crazy nutty, alcohol-y jungles of this bar.  If the milk chocolate had a stronger role, I would have probably devoured all 15 pieces of the cartridge (and not regret it as I sweat buckets over the elliptical).

As if the strong pistachio and substantial milk chocolate were not enough--wait, there's more!  There is hazelnut praline with almonds, and, my goodness.  If only each of these were made with the rich milk chocolate!  If you pushed aside the brute flavor of the rum-pistachio-whatever it is, you could taste the hazelnut and almond mingling subtly with each other.  It's very, very subtle, but delicious once you find it.

Regardless of Mozart Chocolade pushing its boundaries onto saccharin, I couldn't eat just one piece, and threw all abandon out the window, and consumed three.  I blame the butterfat.

Black Pearl Bar (Vosges)

Brand: Vosges

Calories: 425 a bar
Calories per gram: 5

Price: $8.00

Where I found it: University of Washington Bookstore

Where you can probably find it: Vosges website

Granted, the name of the bar did not entice me: "Black Pearl Bar"--Pirates of the Caribbean?  No, it was not until I read the description of said chocolate bar that I was excited.  Sure, I've had sesame and ginger in chocolate but... wasabi?!  That sounded like a fascinating combination of flavors, and given my love for Japanese cuisine, seemed to satiate a part of my quest for gourmet, exotic chocolate.

I opened the box:

You've... you've got to be kidding me, right?  Today is July 13, 2011, and this bar is going to expire in a week.  That may not seem daunting since you can easily eat one bar of chocolate in that given time, but I have two!  Aside from that, how attractive, Vosges, for abruptly stamping the expiry date on the luxurious silver foil.

Mm, delicious dark chocolate.  These photos make it seem lighter than they really are, however.  I haven't disrobed all of the bar of its foil veneer, and so I can only describe these two squares of chocolate shown here.  The left one is of a cartoonish woman carrying a Vosges shopping bag, and the right one is the Vosges logo.  I don't know what that weird streak of... weirdness is, though.

The back even has a guide to indulging in these exotic chocolate bar, and who am I but to modestly take its advice?  Heeding its step-by-step procedure, I attempted to inhale the smell and found that... well, it smelled like dark chocolate, that was certain. 

Other than that, though, there was none else!  I expected that pungent ginger smell to be present, at the very least, but no odor of wasabi nor sesame could have been detected.  I thought to myself that despite having no odor, the taste can punch you as a surprise attack.

Another step was to rub the chocolate.  Now, I don't enjoy rubbing milk-enhanced cocoa bars said to be infused with characteristic Japanese goodness, but I did so anyway.  Still no smell.  Might as well take a bite and perhaps I'll be shocked.

Vosges, I am disappointed.  This is may be the biggest disappointment in "interesting flavors" to fall flat, and--how on Earth can you manage to mask wasabi?!  

Alright, here I will describe what I experienced: I bit into the chocolate, and it was quite smooth and soft enough--not chalky, not a single bit.  And as you can see in the picture, there were many air pockets, and therefore a bite did not feel heavy at all.

As I chewed I bit into black sesame seeds, and being a lover of sesame seeds, I split one open in my mouth and expected some sort of sesame oil to shine through.  There was none--I might have been eating berry seeds for all that matter.

I searched high and low for ginger and wasabi tastes--none.  And if it was there, it was so incredibly subtle, and confused me if I had picked up a bad bar or something was wrong with my tongue.  In fact, I had planned to eat only one piece, but due to the absence of any of the expected flavors I ate a second one to be sure.  

What a regret of calories--it tasted much of the same.  I couldn't even tell if my mind attempted to make up the flavors of ginger and wasabi while tasting the chocolate, due to my trying so hard to find them.

The dark chocolate, however, was delicious.  I have to say that was the high point of the Black Pearl Bar because it was a great pleasure to eat with tea.  That was its only saving grace, however.  Hopefully these flavors were nonexistent owing to the close proximity of the expiration date, but--come on!  How--how?!

Sorry, Vosges, but that $8.00 is freaking ridiculous.

Schoko-Orangen and Schoko-Bananen (Casali)

 Brand: Casali

Calories: 37 a piece

Calories per gram: 3.9

Price: $3.95

Where I found it: University of Washington Bookstore

Where you can find it: I honestly don't know.

Alright, I'll admit it: I bought this because it was Austrian.  *brick'd*  Had this been any other American snack, this would have been easily glanced over as the average Hershey bar.  No, once I saw the large SCHOKO-ORANGEN in large letters, I thought, "WTF, GERMAN!"  My mom wasn't any better, either, since she said, "Woah, this looks interesting!  Let's buy boxes and boxes of this stuff!"

This morning I had a chance to eat a piece of these things.  The presentation, I must say, was certainly interesting:

They look like terribly burnt, flattened croissants, ahah!  But it's clear they're meant to resemble orange slices, seeing that the name of the product is "Shoko-Orangen."  If you lift the bottom of the white paper, there's another layer of these orange slices--thank goodness, because this box is expensive.  

One piece is quite light at only about 9 grams, and as if these were produced during a bout of food rationing, Casali makes sure you get your daily sugar.

THE SUGAR!  THE SUGAAAR!  One tiny nibble is enough to send an army of orange, sugary tartness rushing towards your mouth.  As usual I'm overexaggerating, but really, folks--one piece is enough.  In actuality, though, I expected it to be far sweeter than what really comprised Schoko-Orangen.

I also expected it to be a chocolate shell with a saccharine orange syrupy filling, which to my pleasant surprise, was not.  It was a soft marshmallow, but not a very fluffy one.  

Schoko-Orangen likes to scream orange at you, because the chocolate was barely present, just struggling on the bare ridges of a cliff.  Even as I sought out the chocolate, the orange still dominated obstinately.  Still, with only one piece my "dessert desire" was satiated.

Buying a box wasn't a mistake, fortunately, and I would enjoy eating Schoko-Orangen (albeit very slowly).  If only the chocolate coating would have a stronger role!

 Brand: Casali

Calories: 50 a piece

Calories per gram: 4

Price: $3.95

Where I found it: University of Washington Bookstore

Where you can find it: German Deli

 

Enter Schoko-Bananen, Schoko-Orangen's more infamous, phallus-resembling brother.  It seems to be more popular perhaps because of the rarity of banana-flavored snacks in general.  And banana-flavored snacks!  How notorious they can be, just as chocolate Skittles are, seeing as they never taste decent enough off the tree.

Although after opening a box of Schoko-Orangen and having held expectations of what Schoko-Bananen would look like, it was somehow more... mundane?

They're obviously supposed to be bananas, of course, but they might as well have been chocolate eclairs.  No matter, though, it's the taste snacks are the point of, is it not?

Arggh.  This took far too many tries to photograph and it still doesn't look right.  Ah well.  

Much like Schoko-Orangen, Schoko-Bananen attacked my tongue with sugar, sugar.  It surely caught me off guard with its authentic banana taste and, uh, I can't really decide if I should be amazed or creeped out that they packaged "natural Chiquita bananas," meant to last a while on the shelf. 

Moreso than its orange counterpart was Schoko-Bananen a mystery concerning texture.  With Schoko-Orangen, it would be silly to assume that it would imitate the juicy blast an orange has when you bite into it, and so the marshmallow texture doesn't seem strange.  Schoko-Bananen, however, is a cross between the texture of an actual banana and a really firm marshmallow.  My first impression was that it was a chewier, firmer banana.

As for the taste, it was just like an actual banana!  Miracle, right?  Well, before you run out to your nearest Austrian grocer (lucky, lucky you), it should be noted that, in general, Europeans like their bananas on the unripened side.  I do too, so I enjoyed eating Schoko-Bananen, but other people may find the banana too sour.  

I'm paying Schoko-Bananen plenty of compliments (whoo, alliteration!), but to be honest, it was quite lackluster.  The chocolate, like in Schoko-Orangen, had hardly a role, and all it had left me was an intriguing imitation of a banana, and though good-tasting, was just that.  If anything, it had me hunger for an actual banana because it isn't the same thing.  However, at only 50 calories a piece, it serves as a good substitute for the real taste.

Icewine Chocolate Fudge (Heart Industries)

Brand: Heart Industries

Calories: 90 a piece

Calories per gram: 4.3

Price: $3.99

Where I found it: Canada

Where you can find it: Any freakin' souvenir/tourist shop in Canada

Before someone complains about my crappy photo-taking skills, I'll make it a point that this stuff is EXPENSIVE.  Found on the shelves and overpriced candy piles in just about every tourist store--from the average souvenir stop to "Italian" gelato businesses--in Canada, Icewine Chocolate Fudge is up there with maple products to distinguish the United States and its northern neighbor.

That isn't to say that this fudge isn't delicious, though.  You know what, screw maple!  And screw the fact that this product has "TOURIST BAIT" written all over it, because I am LOVING.  THIS.  STUFF.  I'm surprised that no one has said anything about Icewine Chocolate Fudge, but at the same time Canada isn't a magnet for tourism anyway.  Admittedly, I've never had fudge before, so I'm not one to run to for a good opinion on quality fudge. 

One of the pieces of fudge is small.  It's only 2.5 X 1 inch of icewine goodness, but without a doubt worth the 90 calories.  It doesn't leave your finger moist with oil or grease or--well, shininess.  You do have to watch for smearing your fingers, though.  

The fudge has an easy give (as I guess all fudge do), and the icewine smacks you before the chocolate does.  Before eating this, I had no clue what icewine was--until the unmistakable, sweet, fruity nectar that must be icewine stepped forward and proclaimed, "GOD DAMMIT, I'M FROM CANADA!"

Icewine is an easy flavor to describe because it's loud and proud.  It's strawberries and raspberries and grapes blended all together, with shots of steroids because damn, this stuff is not subtle.  If you let the taste slide over the back of your tongue, there's a slight wine taste that's as satisfying as savory.  As someone who usually finds things too sweet, this fudge was pushing it, but I was enjoying the stretch.  In fact, the sweetness is characteristic of icewine, and without it the fudge would not have much character.  

As for the chocolate, it was some above-average chocolate, and I have to commend this fudge for at least using real cocoa (and "Belgian milk chocolate" as the ingredients state).  Certainly if mockolate was utilized, it wouldn't have been nearly the same and the icewine would taste merely cheap.

How I like to enjoy my icewine fudge?  I split one piece in half, and slowly nibble on it as I think and ponder about things.  Then I take the second half and repeat.  And once it's gone, I feel satisfied, yet eagerly await the next time.

Lindt Excellence Extra Dark 85% (Lindt)

Brand: Lindt

Calories: 525 (bar)

Calories per gram: 5.25

Price: $3.50

Where I found it: Safeway

Where you can find it: Probably everywhere

Look at the box, guys.  EXCELLENCE.  DARK.  NOIR.  That is some FANCY SHIZ, and of course that means pure awesome, right?  Staring down at you on the shelf at Safeway's, Lindt's 85% offers you 100 grams of EPIC.

Well, this is probably the wimpiest 85% chocolate I've tasted because--I've had 70% chocolate more adventurous than Lindt's 85% right here!  On my climb up the cacao percentages, I was disappointed.  WIMPY, LINDT!

Before someone who drowns him or herself in Lindt's 85% has CHOCOLATE RAGE, I'll describe just how my disappointing experience occurred.

My first impression of the chocolate was favorable: it was a neutral dark, glimmering against the shiny foil, and one square of the bar was big and inviting.  With a dry snap, the smooth chocolate broke off cleanly.  It smelled of dark chocolate, obviously, but it wasn't strong at all--it was subtle.

When I ate it, there was that all-too-familiar taste of "deepness" (I think that's the only way I can describe the darkneess of chocolate) that dark chocolate has, and after the chocolate dissolved, a slight bitter aftertaste.

And that was it.

There was no fantastic fruitiness (not that every dark chocolate has to have it, mind you), there was no lavish woodiness, it was just an expressionless, muted block of dark chocolate.

Well, at least it's low in carbs and has fiber and protein.  Really, if I'm eating a chocolate for nutrition, that's no fun, is it?

Ritter Sport Cornflakes (Ritter Sport)

Brand: Ritter Sport

Calories: 506 (bar)

Calories per gram: 5.1

Price: $3.50

Where I found it: Pepper's Grocery (in Victoria, Canada)

Where you can find it: Apparently, everywhere

Again, this isn't my photo.  This time, instead of me eating it all, it was unceremoniously melted during the trip back to California, and it resembles a pile of crumpled muffins.  And besides, German is cool!  (I'm a Germanophile as I guess you will soon realize.)

I honestly had funny imaginings about Ritter Sport Cornflakes.  Was it a clump of Kellogg's Cornflakes sandwiched between two blocks of milky chocolate?  If you broke off a piece, would shards of corn flake fly everywhere?  

Nope, I'm going to save you some time and say that it's a Crunch bar (similar to Theo's Bread & Chocolate), except with much better milk chocolate.  Of course, due to Ritter Sport's quality and price, the chocolate had better be tastier than the average Crunch bar, or else there's going to be some rioting led by a tiny girl in San Jose.

I was unimpressed.  The milk chocolate was good, of course, but dammit, it was a bit too sweet and in essence, I was eating a fancy-ass Crunch bar.