Vitatops (Vitalicious)

Brand: Vitalicious

Calories: 100

Calories per gram: 1.8

Price: $44.00 (plus shipping) for 36 ($1.22 each)

 Where I found it: Vitalicious website

Where you can find it: Most flavors are online from the aforementioned website, but you can find them at Safeway and Target in the freezer aisle.

That is not my picture, by the way, because a brown delivery box probably would not describe much.  And get ready, this review is going to be long.  It stems from my frustration that no one could write an adequate review for these, apparently, ineffable VitaTops.

But anyway, my goodness, that is one tacky name--"Vitalicious."  I suppose it is better than a moniker with "health" or "scrumptious" wedged in it, but... well, nah, I take that back.  "Vitalicious" sounds just as lame as "Fergalicious" or "bootylicious" does.  

VitaTops is equally awkwardly-titled.  Imagine, you are eating one of these on a bus or other automobile, and someone asks you, "What's that you're eating?", and you muster up your courage to utter, "Oh, these are VitaTops, you can get them at double-u, double-u, double-u vitalicious dot com!"

There is quite a bit of hype and appraisal for these diet snacks around food blogs (Hungry Girl especially), and I wanted to award myself by indulging my taste buds in the Vitalicious experience.  Yes, I am being sarcastic there, because I have read several reviews stating this kid-hand-sized block of molecules is miraculous.  Being fairly educated on nutrition, I know that you can easily make something better-tasting and just as nutritious with the same number of calories.

I ordered four flavors, but I will update with the other two flavors after this one.  Each of these has at least 5 grams of fiber and, erm... I do not want to rip open four VitaTops and have it sit in my fridge, nor do I want to hang out with my toilet every three hours.

This flavor is Pumpkin Spice, and I must say--as I unsheathed the "muffin top" out of the plastic wrap, there is a pretty substantial aroma of pumpkin and cinnamon.  And upon whiffing it, I exclaimed, "Hallelujah!"  Not so that it smells amazing or blissful, but so that I love pumpkin pie (and that is why I sampled this flavor first).

I attempted toasting it, but the texture of this VitaTop is weird.  It was a mixture between pumpkin pie filling (mushy and soft) and a chewy cookie (capable of actually being held), and toasting it simply felt awkward.  Regardless, I wanted a nice, warm treat, and parked it in the microwave for 20 seconds.

When I took it out, the smell completely changed for the worse.  Instead of a heart-lifting, warm scent of cinnamon and sugar, an odd, medicine-y, plastic odor took its place.  I couldn't tell if that it came from the pumpkin seeds (which taste like... nothing, by the way) or the VitaTop itself, but it didn't smell natural!

But the final ultimatum for this baked good was to end up in my belly (I think I've been watching Freezer Burns a bit too much).   Ignoring the strange smell, I bit into it.

... I was less than impressed.  Perhaps if it were properly toasted, the VitaTop would actually taste like a muffin top.  No, the texture is akin to sinking your teeth into a two week-old cake--that is, slightly spongy, hardly crumb-y.  Of course, unlike a cake, Vitatops have no butter and therefore have a far lighter consistency.  But it's not light as air, a trait of angel food cake.  All of its texture and give is due to the immense amount of carbs (the actual "meat" of the Vitatops).  

It did not feel like a muffin top, that is certain.  But if it tasted delicious, then that matter is of little importance!  Now, the taste: as mentioned before, Vitatops have no butter.  You would expect it to be very dry, but it appears the moistness derives from the lecithin (which also acts as a preservative).  Pumpkin Spice is particularly dry, however, since it has no help from cocoa butter used in the chocolate flavors.  

Have you ever made cookies with no flour or baking soda, and just eggs?  I have (just a mixture of peanut butter and eggs).  Granted, the flavors are there and they taste good, but it isn't starchy enough to taste like a cookie.  VitaTops are the same thing, except it's just barely starchy enough to pass off as a cookie-like-muffin-y-weird-baked-thing.

One thing I enjoy very much about VitaTops, despite my complaints on texture, is how low-key sugar is used.  Having an Asian palette, I like all my baked goods and confectioneries to carry only a hint of sugar.  VitaTops fulfill this perfectly!  Pumpkin spice had just pinch a sugar to help support the slight pumpkin spice flavor.  

In the end, however, it was not amazing and had it been a non-diet, non-nutritious food, a great waste of calories.  A good start to my breakfast, I suppose.

Now, onto Black Chocolate Pomegranate:

Without a doubt, Black Chocolate Pomegranate tastes superior to Pumpkin Spice.  

And face it folks, the taste of butter will always reign--the cocoa butter added natural moistness that Pumpkin Spice lacked, which I enjoyed very much.  

The texture felt richer and heavier than Pumpkin Spice because of the chocolate (which melted and dribbled recklessly onto my shirt!).  To compensate, the carbs took a hit--you're really getting less bread.  Which is a good thing, since in my opinion, carbs are only useful if you are going to exercise rigorously short after consuming them.  As a result, Black Chocolate Pomegranate is also more filling (as carbs don't fill you up, fat does).  Hey!  A diet guide, as well as a review!  Two in one, baby.

The pomegranate hardly made an impression on me, and only appeared as a banal sour-berryish flavor, perhaps to prevent its upstaging the chocolate.  Just by looking at the Vitalicious website, they are damn proud of providing rich chocolate to you.

Oh yes, speaking of chocolate: these VitaTops are not dark chocolate.  They are, however, a more "mature"-tasting milk chocolate, but please, any comparison to a Lindt or Teuscher's dark chocolate bar would be an insult.  But I will not mislead you that the chocolate is crap: it merely is not as rich and fudge-like, nor (quality) brownie-like, as people make it out to be.

I wish I had grabbed more of the chocolate flavors, because they seem to be better overall.

I want to say before I wrap up this review, though, that VitaTops are not magic.  I can explain just how they arrived at 100 calories easily.

These cookies were bonded by egg protein, which contributed to both the protein count (obviously) and held the bonds together (or else it would just be a crumbly mess).  The moistness is, again, attributed to the soy lecithin and in chocolate-y cookies, cocoa butter.  They avoided using flour/baking soda/a lot of sugar because that would ride up the carb count (and therefore the calorie count).

The reason why VitaTops seem filling is because of the high fiber (you can just add in water-soluble fiber found on supermaket shelves) and high protein.  The chocolate flavors are even more filling because of additional fats.

Hey, don't get me wrong--I like Vitatops, I just dislike how overhyped these were.

Schoko-Orangen and Schoko-Bananen (Casali)

 Brand: Casali

Calories: 37 a piece

Calories per gram: 3.9

Price: $3.95

Where I found it: University of Washington Bookstore

Where you can find it: I honestly don't know.

Alright, I'll admit it: I bought this because it was Austrian.  *brick'd*  Had this been any other American snack, this would have been easily glanced over as the average Hershey bar.  No, once I saw the large SCHOKO-ORANGEN in large letters, I thought, "WTF, GERMAN!"  My mom wasn't any better, either, since she said, "Woah, this looks interesting!  Let's buy boxes and boxes of this stuff!"

This morning I had a chance to eat a piece of these things.  The presentation, I must say, was certainly interesting:

They look like terribly burnt, flattened croissants, ahah!  But it's clear they're meant to resemble orange slices, seeing that the name of the product is "Shoko-Orangen."  If you lift the bottom of the white paper, there's another layer of these orange slices--thank goodness, because this box is expensive.  

One piece is quite light at only about 9 grams, and as if these were produced during a bout of food rationing, Casali makes sure you get your daily sugar.

THE SUGAR!  THE SUGAAAR!  One tiny nibble is enough to send an army of orange, sugary tartness rushing towards your mouth.  As usual I'm overexaggerating, but really, folks--one piece is enough.  In actuality, though, I expected it to be far sweeter than what really comprised Schoko-Orangen.

I also expected it to be a chocolate shell with a saccharine orange syrupy filling, which to my pleasant surprise, was not.  It was a soft marshmallow, but not a very fluffy one.  

Schoko-Orangen likes to scream orange at you, because the chocolate was barely present, just struggling on the bare ridges of a cliff.  Even as I sought out the chocolate, the orange still dominated obstinately.  Still, with only one piece my "dessert desire" was satiated.

Buying a box wasn't a mistake, fortunately, and I would enjoy eating Schoko-Orangen (albeit very slowly).  If only the chocolate coating would have a stronger role!

 Brand: Casali

Calories: 50 a piece

Calories per gram: 4

Price: $3.95

Where I found it: University of Washington Bookstore

Where you can find it: German Deli

 

Enter Schoko-Bananen, Schoko-Orangen's more infamous, phallus-resembling brother.  It seems to be more popular perhaps because of the rarity of banana-flavored snacks in general.  And banana-flavored snacks!  How notorious they can be, just as chocolate Skittles are, seeing as they never taste decent enough off the tree.

Although after opening a box of Schoko-Orangen and having held expectations of what Schoko-Bananen would look like, it was somehow more... mundane?

They're obviously supposed to be bananas, of course, but they might as well have been chocolate eclairs.  No matter, though, it's the taste snacks are the point of, is it not?

Arggh.  This took far too many tries to photograph and it still doesn't look right.  Ah well.  

Much like Schoko-Orangen, Schoko-Bananen attacked my tongue with sugar, sugar.  It surely caught me off guard with its authentic banana taste and, uh, I can't really decide if I should be amazed or creeped out that they packaged "natural Chiquita bananas," meant to last a while on the shelf. 

Moreso than its orange counterpart was Schoko-Bananen a mystery concerning texture.  With Schoko-Orangen, it would be silly to assume that it would imitate the juicy blast an orange has when you bite into it, and so the marshmallow texture doesn't seem strange.  Schoko-Bananen, however, is a cross between the texture of an actual banana and a really firm marshmallow.  My first impression was that it was a chewier, firmer banana.

As for the taste, it was just like an actual banana!  Miracle, right?  Well, before you run out to your nearest Austrian grocer (lucky, lucky you), it should be noted that, in general, Europeans like their bananas on the unripened side.  I do too, so I enjoyed eating Schoko-Bananen, but other people may find the banana too sour.  

I'm paying Schoko-Bananen plenty of compliments (whoo, alliteration!), but to be honest, it was quite lackluster.  The chocolate, like in Schoko-Orangen, had hardly a role, and all it had left me was an intriguing imitation of a banana, and though good-tasting, was just that.  If anything, it had me hunger for an actual banana because it isn't the same thing.  However, at only 50 calories a piece, it serves as a good substitute for the real taste.