Lindt Excellence Extra Dark 85% (Lindt)

Brand: Lindt

Calories: 525 (bar)

Calories per gram: 5.25

Price: $3.50

Where I found it: Safeway

Where you can find it: Probably everywhere

Look at the box, guys.  EXCELLENCE.  DARK.  NOIR.  That is some FANCY SHIZ, and of course that means pure awesome, right?  Staring down at you on the shelf at Safeway's, Lindt's 85% offers you 100 grams of EPIC.

Well, this is probably the wimpiest 85% chocolate I've tasted because--I've had 70% chocolate more adventurous than Lindt's 85% right here!  On my climb up the cacao percentages, I was disappointed.  WIMPY, LINDT!

Before someone who drowns him or herself in Lindt's 85% has CHOCOLATE RAGE, I'll describe just how my disappointing experience occurred.

My first impression of the chocolate was favorable: it was a neutral dark, glimmering against the shiny foil, and one square of the bar was big and inviting.  With a dry snap, the smooth chocolate broke off cleanly.  It smelled of dark chocolate, obviously, but it wasn't strong at all--it was subtle.

When I ate it, there was that all-too-familiar taste of "deepness" (I think that's the only way I can describe the darkneess of chocolate) that dark chocolate has, and after the chocolate dissolved, a slight bitter aftertaste.

And that was it.

There was no fantastic fruitiness (not that every dark chocolate has to have it, mind you), there was no lavish woodiness, it was just an expressionless, muted block of dark chocolate.

Well, at least it's low in carbs and has fiber and protein.  Really, if I'm eating a chocolate for nutrition, that's no fun, is it?

Ritter Sport Cornflakes (Ritter Sport)

Brand: Ritter Sport

Calories: 506 (bar)

Calories per gram: 5.1

Price: $3.50

Where I found it: Pepper's Grocery (in Victoria, Canada)

Where you can find it: Apparently, everywhere

Again, this isn't my photo.  This time, instead of me eating it all, it was unceremoniously melted during the trip back to California, and it resembles a pile of crumpled muffins.  And besides, German is cool!  (I'm a Germanophile as I guess you will soon realize.)

I honestly had funny imaginings about Ritter Sport Cornflakes.  Was it a clump of Kellogg's Cornflakes sandwiched between two blocks of milky chocolate?  If you broke off a piece, would shards of corn flake fly everywhere?  

Nope, I'm going to save you some time and say that it's a Crunch bar (similar to Theo's Bread & Chocolate), except with much better milk chocolate.  Of course, due to Ritter Sport's quality and price, the chocolate had better be tastier than the average Crunch bar, or else there's going to be some rioting led by a tiny girl in San Jose.

I was unimpressed.  The milk chocolate was good, of course, but dammit, it was a bit too sweet and in essence, I was eating a fancy-ass Crunch bar.